UPDATED BLOG POST! ARCHIVE (2019): Being Home for the Holidays With Non-Accepting Parents and Other Family Members
Being Home for the Holidays With Non-Accepting Parents and Other Family Members
Being transgender/non-binary/gender-fluid/agender, etc. in a society like this is not easy.
To anyone reading this blog who is not cisgender and heterosexual (combined), please know that you are accepted by me, even if going home isn’t easy!
As most of you know by now, I am bisexual and cisgender (female), and a college student. I have so many friends who have identified as non-binary and transgender, etc. And I always listen to their struggles, give them tips on self-care, help themselves divulge a plan by helping them think through things, and take action for themselves. What I share may not be directly about who they are, because I am keeping their names and who they are anonymous. Currently person A is dealing with parents that are Roman Catholic. The bible is written by human beings. What happened to “Love thy neighbor”? Person B’s family are all Trump supporters. I am required to keep their information private because I am a safe-space advocate (I am safe-zone trained). I am only allowed to reveal what I just typed.
We live in a society where parents feel comfortable kicking out their children/adults (They have the right to not have their adult children in their home, but should not kick them out because of their gender identity if that is the only excuse) of their own homes. But see, this is concerning. Why? Because instead of acceptance, we have hatred all because the parent is abusively uncomfortable with their own child. Underaged children are adopted or stay stuck within the system of adoption and are not because the system does not want to always adopt…. Plus their parents are not okay with who they are. In Canada, the process of kicking someone out due to a lack of acceptance is actually illegal. But in the US, parents are more concerned about what is in it for them, then sacrificing what they’ve been taught to learn about something that is important to the individual, simply because it is part of that child’s identity. What happened to Christian acceptance in the church as well? I keep seeing Christians try and claim that their religion is accepting, but that is forgetting that Christians, at least in the US, are very much privileged. I was privileged growing up as a Christian (and am now Buddhist due to the hatred). The more the Christians do not actually hold these people accountable by removing them from the church, the more damage they will do to people who identify as a different gender other than the norm. Christian Extremists, as much as I want them to be a part of the church to change themselves, won’t change. They refuse to change because they are more than just ignorant and gender-phobic.
We notice that Trump and his administration are encouraging (continuously) these extremists to hurt others. When will this end? Apparently never, but it is important, with persistent advocacy and activism, that we continue to educate people, rather than just accuse them of being ignorant without the explanation, etc. I also would claim that not everyone deserves acceptance towards someone else’s opinions. I cannot accept someone who, after long repeated attempts of change, does not want to learn, because ignorance is a choice. Just because we cannot educate everyone on ignorance, does not mean that there is a high chance of most people eventually accepting. Currently this country is at a divide because of identity, yet, we probably would not be if people could just learn to accept. Trans, non-binary, etc. people are just asking you to accept their gender identity. It’s not like they’re going to go into the bathroom, and hurt your children (never heard of a case like that). It’s not like trans people are out to hurt others. Yet, there is stigma, and it is much easier for individuals to fall for the stigma than to learn how to accept.
I’ve decided to give some tips and address some issues when it comes to being home for the holidays… from a college student standpoint, in list form, so that it makes it easier, for you, reader, to understand where I am coming from. I am addressing LGBTQ+ individuals in this list:
- Coming home from college for breaks will be a challenge.
This does not mean that you aren’t strong. It does not mean that you should have to put up with the intolerence. If the conversation is started by your family, then set boundaries. If they do not listen to those boundaries, then that is their issue and not yours.
2. You’re going to have to seek out the people in your life who give you love and embrace you for who you are.
This will not be easy if you do not have many friends. But regardless, reach out to someone! It will help you in the long run because no one can get through the pain of intolerant parents and other family members.
3. The pain will not go away, as pain is a part of healing.
Is this not counterintuitive? :-) A counselor at my undergrad at Randolph College used those words to me. And it is true — it won’t be easy for you to heal from those that do not accept you; however, it is best to give yourself the love that your family members have not give you. Self-care is important!
4. Even if your parents give you hatred, you still need to respect them.
Now that does not mean that I am justifying what they are doing, but you need to be able to give them respect while setting boundaries. Don’t bend over backwards, as I say, for toxic people. If we cannot practice what we preach, how will they themselves learn?
5. You can’t change your parents.
Only they can change themselves. This might be hard to swallow, but it is much better that you get out of the situation than remain in it (unless you really can’t because of financial issues, etc.) for your own well being ONLY if your parents are not willing to learn.
6. Talk to a therapist!
And if you cannot afford to meet one in person, then use online therapy (Talkspace is a great LGBTQ online therapy app that is really reliable). I have a blog on why it is. There is a lot of stigma about therapy. And really, there is nothing wrong with you!
7. Not all family situations can be resolved.
I learned this the hard way with my toxic parents. Family therapy can get ugly. Family therapy has to work for everyone involved. And if the parents only see you as the issue over time, then it’s just going to get uglier. My parents are abusive. Yet they don’t want to change because they would only ever agree to it on their terms.
8. Most importantly, don’t give up on hope and love.
Don’t give up hope. Family isn’t always blood. Sometimes the people who are meant to care for us can be the worst people we’ve ever met in our lives. And yes, you can set boundaries, use self-care, and validate yourself while admitting to mistakes for the rest of your life without someone else’s approval of what you do. Love back, most of all.
XX,
Lindsay M.
Comments
Post a Comment